Time for me to vent again: The 49ers just hired Chip motherflippin Kelly

Hi Bay Area sports faithful,
DSOTB is back, better than ever as always. The problem is: We’re pissed and you’re all going to have to listen to it now.
So get this: After Jed York fired Harbaugh the Great, hired Jim Tomsula the Insufferable and then fired Jim Tomsula the Insufferable, he has now…wait for it…hired CHIP MOTHERFLIPPIN KELLY.
I have so many issues with Kelly as coach that I could write a veritable novel, my dear Watson.
First, Kelly absolutely tore the Eagles apart. With his personnel control. With his relationships with his players. With his TRADING AWAY of good players. And yes, he reportedly doesn’t have personnel control with the Niners, but—even then—he’s not a players coach and you simply have to be a players coach in this day and age…unless you are someone like Belichick with a long history of winning. It’s not college football. It’s the NFL. And players aren’t going to stand for a coach strutting around (waddling?) like he knows everything.
Second, a lot of people are spewing out the notion that Kelly—because of his history with mobile QBs—will make Kaepernick (Crapernick?) better again. But here’s a newsflash for those lots of people: Sure, Kelly might draw up better plays that help Kaepernick, but when all is said and done, Kaepernick is still an inaccurate quarterback who makes terrible decisions with the football. I never like to stoop to such lows, but he seriously may not be intelligent enough to excel as a QB in the NFL. That’s not saying he’s stupid. It’s just saying that you have to be EXTREMELY intelligent to excel as a QB in the NFL these days. There are so many different defensive schemes and packages and strategies that you are going to be hit with a lot of different things in a mere matter of a few seconds and you have to be able to process everything at light speed. And, once again, even if Kaepernick could process such things (which he’s shown he can’t), there’s still the fact that he’s not a very accurate QB unless he only throws bullet passes. Ask him to use a little touch and his accuracy goes out the window.
Third, for all of the talk about Chip Kelly being a mastermind of offense, the Eagles ranked 26th in offensive efficiency this past season, according to Football Outsiders. They ranked 17th in defensive efficiency.
Fourth, York has made it quite clear that he can’t work with a control freak coach. But stripping away Kelly’s personnel control won’t make Kelly any less of a control freak. It’s a bad fit if York was only hiring Kelly to make life easier on himself. This hire doesn’t make sense on so many levels.
The big problem, of course, is York himself. He’s not going anywhere as CEO/owner no matter how much we want him to because, realistically, would YOU walk away from that much money? That means we’re stuck with another York and another string of mediocrity for a long time. Either York goes, or the 49ers don’t have a prayer. Hate to be that blunt. Sweet dreams, everyone.

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Update: Warriors Won the NBA Title

Newsflash: The Golden State Warriors won the 2014-15 NBA title. In case you didn’t know by now. Apologies for the belated update. I have been drinking and partying ever since. That is all. Oh yeah, and the Warriors are looking even better this season. So…there’s that. BN-IY631_0616nb_H_20150617001838
Photo: Jason Miller/Getty Images. Sidenote: David Lee isn’t with the Warriors anymore. He was traded to the Charlotte Bobcats for the ghost of Jason Richardson (the ghost of Michael Jordan was unavailable).

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2015 NBA Finals: Game 4 Preview

epa04791420 Cleveland Cavaliers guard Matthew Dellavedova of Australia (bottom) grabs a loose ball while drawing a foul on Golden State Warriors forward David Lee (top) in the second half of Game Three of the NBA Finals at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, USA, 09 June 2015. The winner of best of seven series will be NBA Finals Champions.  EPA/LARRY W. SMITH CORBIS OUT

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Matthew Dellavedova of Australia (bottom) grabs a loose ball while drawing a foul on Golden State Warriors forward David Lee (top) in the second half of Game Three of the NBA Finals at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, USA, 09 June 2015. Also, he’s a freak. EPA/LARRY W. SMITH CORBIS OUT

It’s pretty simple: The Warriors can’t shoot right now.
It’s also mind-boggling, considering the Warriors, well, usually can shoot pretty spectacularly.
The Warriors, bothered by the Cavaliers’ stingy defense and some Aussie dude named Matthew Dellavedova (rhymes with Matthew Sharapova), shot 39.8 percent in Game 2. They followed that up with a whole 0.2 percent improvement, shooting 40 percent in Game 3. Heck, the Dubs went 22.9 percent from three-point land in Game 2.
Pardon my French, but what the hell is going on?!
A lot has been made about Curry’s struggles shooting the Spalding ball (and Dellavedova’s defense), but his supporting cast hasn’t exactly been supportive, either. Draymond Green is shooting 26.7 percent this series while hoisting up 10 shots per game. Harrison Barnes was pretty solid until Game 3, when he went 0-for-8. And Festus Ezeli—Festus Ezeli—got six shots in Game 3.


Russian-on-African American violence

Here’s another fun stat: The Warriors lost Game 3 despite grabbing—wait for it—18 offensive rebounds.
Also, LeBron James is a scary, scary human being.
Curry’s barrage in the fourth quarter of Game 3 does give Dubs fans some hope—and I still believe the Dubs are the better team overall—but the Dubs need to either a) start playing more physical ball b) not let physical defense bother them and/or c) do both (Door No. C would be preferable).
And, my god, go away Matthew Dellavedova/Matthew Sharapova/Teen Wolf…just go away and leave us alone. You freakin’ had to go to the hospital after Game 3 and you’re still here.

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Recap: Games 2 & 3 of the 2015 NBA Finals

dellavedovaMove along. Nothing to see here.

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Warriors Win Game 1, The World Laughs at LeBron

usp_nba__playoffs-cleveland_cavaliers_at_golden_st_73545527-e1433504117715It’s been a while since we last saw you, Warriors Faithful.
But we’re back, better than ever, and we have a few things to say (sorry for the hiatus, we made our last post on 4/20 and decided to move to Colorado, where we…got lost in the wilderness?).
The Warriors probably shouldn’t have won Game 1 of the 2015 NBA Finals against the Cleveland Cavaliers on Tuesday. Draymond Green and Klay Thompson struggled from the field, the Warriors had more turnovers than the Cavs and the Warriors gave up 13 offensive rebounds (six coming from rebounder extraordinare Tristan Thompson).
But we did win. We won in OT, 108-100, thanks to great efforts from Stephen Curry, Harrison Barnes and Andre Iguodala (who played great defense and hit some big threes). Heck, even Marreese Speights returned and hit some big jumpers.
Of course, Dubs fans rubbed it in LeBron’s exasperated faceusp_nba__playoffs-cleveland_cavaliers_at_golden_st_73545527-e1433504117715.
And then we found out that Kyrie Irving would be out for the rest of the series with a fractured left kneecap (I’ve never fractured a kneecap, but I’m guessing it hurts).
The injury to Kyrie could be crippling for the Cavaliers. He had 23 points on 10-of-22 shooting, seven rebounds, six assists, four steals and two blocks while committing only one turnover in Game 1. For the Cavs to have any chance of winning this series (which appears highly doubtful at the moment), they are going to have to get other-worldly performances from Timofey Mozgov and J.R. Smith. Mozgov had 16 points and seven rebounds in Game 1, while Smith had only nine points on 3-of-13 shooting.tafitso2gid9ur7pbxsd
Smith is an interesting X-factor for the Cavs. He’s an incredibly streaky shooter, meaning he can have games like he did on Tuesday and then he can absolutely go off. He’s only had four games of 15 points or more in 15 playoff games this postseason, but in one of those games—Game 1 against the Atlanta Hawks—he scored 28 points on 10-of-16 shooting while shooting 8-of-12 from downtown, many of them contested shots.
The question is: If J.R. gets hot, how long will he stay that way for? That could be a major factor in this series.
Perhaps Shawn Marion and Mike Miller will get some play this series.
And we can only hope Kendrick Perkins sees the floor. Because he is awful.
Either way, Dark Side of the Bay is predicting a Game 2 victory for the Dubs. Anything less…would be uncivilized.

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Warriors Win Game 1, Blake Griffin Retaliates with Water Cup


(Photo: AP)

Hi Dub fans, we know it’s been a while since you last heard from us at Dark Side of the Bay. Our last post, “Golden State Warriors: Wasting Away in Margaritaville,” wasn’t our finest hour.

As you can imagine, the folks at DSOTB went into a tailspin after that post. A lot depression. A lot of crying. A lot of hurt feelings.

But overcoming those struggles (whether real or imagined) after losing to the San Antonio Spurs in Game 6 last season made us better, faster, stronger. We can now write at twice the speed, with half the effort, and half the wit. Yep, it’s been a big transformation for us.

And for any of you first-time readers, please disregard everything you just read. In fact, never speak of it again.


The Warriors beat the Los Angeles Clippers at Staples Center on Saturday night, 109-105, taking Game 1 of their first-round matchup.

Some highlights: Klay Thompson scored 22 points, David Lee had 20 and 13 and Blake Griffin tossed a water cup at a Dubs fan in the crowd.

Yep, you heard that right. Blake Griffin tossed a water cup at a Dubs fan. People are split on whether he did it on purpose or by accident, but, well, see for yourself.

After the game, some reporter asked Blake whether he did it on purpose. His explanation is pretty great.

The Dubs fan apparently said something to Blake before he tossed the water cup. I’m guessing it was somewhere along the lines of, “Hey Kris Humphries, when did you change from Blake Griffin into Kris Humphries? And how is Kim these days? Oh, she’s with Kanye now? Shoulda stayed as Blake Griffin.”

If you didn’t watch the game, Kris Humphries only played 19 minutes because he was constantly in foul trouble. It’s a good thing, too, because he looked like Blake Griffin for those 19 minutes, going 6-for-13 for 16 points. Chris Paul had his usual line of 28 points, eight assists, seven rebounds, four steals and five 3-pointers, but former Dubs Jamal Crawford and Matt Barnes went a combined 2-for-14 from the floor. Darren Collison and Danny Granger didn’t help the Clips’ cause, either (a combined 3-for-15).

So, in a nutshell, Klay Thompson is gonna be a top-notch shooting guard for a long time, David Lee is still the same guy, Andrew Bogut is still injured and Blake Griffin has resorted to throwing water cups at Dubs fans.

Now here are some photos of Game 1…with captions!


“Let me tell you a secret. One finger on my right hand is shorter than the others.”

“Thanks coach…I guess.”

(Photo: Getty Images)


“But, I can’t help it. I’m Kris Humphries now! Have a heart, ref!”

Kris, just hearing you talk makes me want to puke. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

(Photo: AP)


“I will destroy your life!”

(Photo: AP)


Blake Griffin just hasn’t been the same since turning into Kris Humphries. 

(Photo: AP)

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Golden State Warriors: Wasting Away in Margaritaville

buffett1“Wasting away in Margaritaville. Searching for my lost sugar and salt. Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame. But I know. It’s nobody’s fault.
“Don’t know the reason I stayed here all season. Nothing to show but this brand new tattoo. But it’s a real beauty. A Mexican cutie. How it got here I haven’t a clue.”
So rings the words of the legendary Jimmy Buffett. And I’m drunk after the Warriors were bounced from the playoffs by the Spurs in Game 6 on Friday.
No, those lyrics weren’t simply concocted by a drunk sailor who had engulfed too many margaritas. Legend has it that it was meant for the Warriors.

It’s really quite simple. Wasting away in Margaritaville—that’s what I’m doing right now. Searching for my lost sugar and salt—a symbol of a team not knowing how it all went wrong. Some people claim there’s a woman to blame—every die-hard Warriors fan right now is accusing his woman of “not being there for him through thick and thin” in the NBA playoffs. But I know, it’s nobody’s fault—we’ve arrived at the fifth stage of grief, acceptance.
Don’t know the reason I stayed here all season—reverting back to the fourth stage of grief, depression. Nothing to show but this brand new tattoo—my tramp stamp of Mark Jackson’s face appears to have been a bad idea right about now. But it’s a real beauty, a Mexican cutie—getting back to the fifth stage of acceptance. How it got here I haven’t a clue—nobody expected the Warriors to get this far, the fact that they took a team composed of three legends to six games in the Western Conference semifinals is an accomplishment in itself.
Andrew BogutOK, well, I’m still really drunk, but that certainly helped.
The Warriors lost to the Spurs on Friday at Oracle Arena, 94-82. They were outscored in every quarter but the third quarter, but they narrowed the Spurs’ lead to two points with 4:52 remaining before San Antonio put the game away.
Contrary to my wise prediction (insert sarcasm here), both Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson shot poorly in Game 6. Curry shot 10-of-25. Thompson was (gag right now) 4-of-12. Harrison Barnes, who had been terrific throughout the playoffs, was forced out of the game after trying to play after slamming his head down on the hardwood.
The Spurs had their best rebounding game of the season, out-rebounding the Warriors, 46-40. Five different Spurs had five rebounds or more, including second-year pro Kawhi Leonard, who posted 10 boards (he hails from my alma mater, San Diego State, which makes it sting even more).
But it wasn’t just rebounding. The Spurs, after shooting 52 percent in Game 5, shot 45 percent in Game 6. They did this despite Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili combining to shoot 4-of-22 from the field. The Warriors, meanwhile, shot 39 percent from the floor.
The Spurs also attempted 25 free throws (making 21) while going a respectable 7-of-19 from beyond the arc.
The only thing that kept us in the game was the fact that the Spurs had more turnovers than us…for once.
Another thing: The Andrew Bogut who miraculously looked like a new man earlier in the series was clearly hurting. His athleticism simply wasn’t there and it was frankly painful to even watch.

Photo: Associated Press

Photo: Associated Press

Final thoughts: We did more than anyone ever expected. We knocked out the favored Denver Nuggets in six games in the first round, then took the favored Spurs to six games. We have nothing to be ashamed of and Mark Jackson is clearly the man for the job (I still feel like that tramp stamp is going to be relevant moving forward). This is still young team, with plenty of room to grow. Honestly, who expected Barnes to go off like that, against the Spurs no less? I’m very excited about the future of this team. Who knows if we’ll be able to keep Jarrett Jack (who was both good and bad during the playoffs). Who knows how long Bogut will last. But in Curry, Thompson, Barnes, David Lee, Festus Ezeli and even Draymond Green, we have quite the young nucleus. Plus, Carl Landry and Brandon Rush both have player options for next season (it would be nice if Andris Biedrins used his early termination option, freeing up money for free agency, but we all know that’s not going to happen).
You can’t feel bad about this team right now. In fact, as a lifelong Warriors fan, this is the best I’ve ever felt about the Warriors. This was a better team than the 2006-07 squad that upset the Dallas Mavericks in the first round.
So, instead of drinking to wash my sorrow away, I’m drinking to celebrate, because this is the best I’ve felt as a Warriors fan in the last 19 years. Job well done, Warriors.

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